De Chuck Norris Facts (heel veel, geen filmpje, just read it!)

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De Chuck Norris Facts
De Chuck Norris Facts

Hier zijn de verzamelde CHUCK NORRIS FACTS: ze zijn in het Engels! Maar nu kunnen we ze eindelijk allemaal kwijt in een blog omdat die film een zeer goede aanleiding is. De 166 verzamelde Chuck Norris facts… Gebruik desnoods Google Translate, maar lees ze, want wij vinden deze quotes zeer de moeite waard. Heb je zelf nog andere gevonden, of een Nederlands site, post dit dan ff. Want wij maken rustig nog een blog met Chuck Norris facts. Het zijn er abnormaal megalomaan megaveel, dus ga er maar ff voor zitten…

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De Chuck Norris Facts
De Chuck Norris Facts

  1. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
  2. A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. A meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  5. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more “humane”.
  6. Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
  7. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
  8. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
  9. China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
  10. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
  11. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  12. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  13. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  14. Chuck norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  15. Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
  16. Chuck Norris can get a sun tan at night.
  17. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
  18. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
  19. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  20. Chuck Norris can speak Russian… in Chinese.
  21. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  22. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  23. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  24. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
  25. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  26. Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds.
  27. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  28. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
  29. Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
  30. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
  31. Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
  32. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
  33. Chuck Norris doesn’t battle, he just allows you to lose.
  34. Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
  35. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
  36. Chuck Norris doesn’t go swimming, water just wants to be around him.
  37. Chuck Norris doesn’t have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
  38. Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
  39. Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stands on the porch and dares it to grow.
  40. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  41. Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
  42. Chuck Norris doesn’t swim, he beats the crap out of the water until it takes him wherever he wants to go.
  43. Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on the shower he looks at it untill it crys.
  44. Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
  45. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
  46. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
  47. Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
  48. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.
  49. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  50. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
  51. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  52. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
  53. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  54. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
  55. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
  56. Chuck Norris invented water.
  57. Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.
  58. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
  59. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
  60. Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  61. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  62. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
  63. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  64. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  65. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
  66. Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s sh*t.
  67. Chuck Norris isn’t made of steel. He’s made of Chuck Norris, which has greater tensile strength and 0% EL.
  68. Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is “The Two”.
  69. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
  70. Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
  71. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
  72. Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather:”laid gets Chuck”.
  73. Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
  74. Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
  75. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
  76. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was.
  77. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
  78. Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”
  79. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake…….. After three days of pain and agony ………………the rattle snake died.
  80. Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.
  81. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
  82. Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards…just to see what second place looks like.
  83. Chuck Norris once swam to the Virgin Islands. They are now ‘The Islands’.
  84. Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
  85. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
  86. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
  87. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
  88. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
  89. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
  90. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
  91. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  92. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
  93. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
  94. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.
  95. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  96. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  97. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  98. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  99. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then the grenade exploded.
  100. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
  101. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  102. Chuck Norris was to star in Mission:Impossible but they recasted because they would’ve had to change the name of the movie to Mission:Accomplished.
  103. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
  104. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  105. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.
  106. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
  107. Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
  108. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  109. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
  110. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  111. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
  112. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
  113. Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
  114. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
  115. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
  116. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
  117. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  118. If Chuck Norris can’t, Norris Chuck can.
  119. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down.
  120. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
  121. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
  122. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  123. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  124. If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber’s ass.
  125. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
  126. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  127. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
  128. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
  129. Jesus can walk on water,Chuck Norris swims through land.
  130. Luke wanted to know the ways of the Force. The Force wanted to know the ways of Chuck Norris.
  131. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
  132. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t f*cking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”
  133. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
  134. Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris….the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
  135. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
  136. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
  137. Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
  138. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.
  139. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
  140. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
  141. Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
  142. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  143. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  144. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’s nutsack.
  145. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
  146. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
  147. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  148. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  149. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
  150. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
  151. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take sh*t from anybody.
  152. What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common? When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris
  153. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
  154. When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded shyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
  155. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  156. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
  157. When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.
  158. When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: “Excuse me sir, but you can’t score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, I’m Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
  159. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
  160. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
  161. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey.” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
  162. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
  163. When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
  164. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  165. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
  166. You can’t call a bridge ‘Chuck Norris’ – no-one crosses Chuck Norris!

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